relational rhythm
i’ve been thinking about relational rhythm for some time, as a word to use instead of “coregulation” (which I hate, due to its inclusion of “regulation”), and as a word to use to describe what we’ve come to know as attachment.
(side note on the word “regulation” and why i hate it: regulation suggests we are within a certain zone of feelings, aka “regulated”. within white wellness circles, this word and others like it are often used to impose a standard of ‘quiet’, ‘civilized’, and definitely not ‘crazy’ or ‘mad’ folks. it pressures adherence to a norm, and the norm is white supremacy and colonization. in general it especially pressures subjugation. coregulation surfaced from regulation as a way to describe how we regulate with other people (or beings). because it inherently still contains “regulation” i don’t believe this word is helpful to describe what’s happening.)
i like the word rhythm because it suggests moving at the same speed as, moving in time with. when we are in rhythm with another being, it suggests we are both moving to the same or similar beat and timing. we pace with each other.
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i name being in rhythm with another being, as opposed to just another person, because i believe we can be in rhythm with -any- kind of beingness, not just human. i have personally felt myself in rhythm with rocks, for example. this has been happening to me since i was a small child (i think it’s the autism - thanks to conversation from Amber Naali Katz and from reading things from @blackneurodiversity on Instagram and Twitter). i’m in rhythm with my cats all the time. my parents used to tell me that when they would take me on walks as a child, i would stop and look at the flowers. i did this so much that they nicknamed me Ferdinand, after the famous bull who sat and smelled the flowers and wouldn’t fight once they put him in the ring.
rhythm describes entraining with another being and the way they are moving and shifting to move in the same motion. there are multitudes of ways to do this - we can entrain rhythmically with a storm, for instance, and be loud and boisterous and shocking and dark. we could entrain with a cat, and skulk round and be mischievous and knock things off tables. we could entrain with a wave, how it slowly builds, crests, then releases. we can entrain with other humans - sense the way they move, and begin to move with them. when we are moving together at the same rhythm, that is relational rhythm. often this is a soothing experience, even when the rhythm is upbeat and intense, due to the match of being with another being.
i think this aligns with attachment in that, i think of attachment less as a pathological thing and more as a descriptor of difficulties entraining into some being’s rhythm. say perhaps what we would describe as a so-called “anxious” person trying to entrain with a so-called “avoidant” person. each of these people is moving at a different timing. (literally, often). i don’t find it nearly as helpful to name someone anxious or avoidant as to notice, what rhythm is someone moving at? what kinds of things are supportive and useful for someone relationally, do they like a lot of space between “notes” or very little? big crescendoes or soft pitter patter?
relational difficulty then becomes about someone having a different rhythm (not a -bad- rhythm! just a different one!) and how it can be challenging at times to match rhythm with another being. because we all have very different rhythms at different times!
and then somatic relational work becomes about enabling us to more easily attune to our own rhythms -and- to another being’s rhythms, and if we want to connect, to determine how best we can shift either our rhythm, or ask from a shift from another’s rhythm, so that the 2 can meet. it becomes more about finding our own timing, or someone else’s, with the ability to shift between either depending on what is needed to entrain rhythmically in the situation.
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